Batfappitus Interruptus Volume 1

Welcome to the Glorious Nation of Hurtsville’s newest semi-feature:  Batfappitus Interruptus – where the foremost expert in all the realms on who Batman can and can't beat one-on-one (big reveal: it’s me) goes about 500-750 words into detail about whether and why, totally ignoring how popular said characters may or may not be. Then I maybe say something nice about Batman at the end, because so many Bat-fans take the idea that a mortal man can't single-handedly defeat a demigod as a personal insult. Like how nobody dresses up as the Penny Plunderer when they shoot people on a movie line. Remember this, sub-creatures: power levels don't make a character. I love Multiple Man, but that doesn't mean I legitimately believe that, adhering to the rules of the character and his universe, that he could beat The Hulk or Mister Fantastic. Use your organic brains!

Batman vs. Darth Vader

This idea was pretty heavily inspired by the excellent work done by the guys and gals over at SuperPower Beatdown, and credit to them for their great videos. More credit for correctly having Vader defeat Batman – no matter what the fanboys they polled had to say about it. This one isn’t even worth the debate, which is beyond enticing for me.

The Nitty Gritty:

In the Star Wars Original Trilogy Universe, Vader is the 2^nd-most powerful Force user at the outset, behind only Emperor Palpatine, and only his son has the potential to rival him. While the Emperor may be more powerful in the Force in a general sense, Darth Vader is the deadliest individual there is, and screw Boba Fett. He deflects blasters with half-assed gestures, has a neat cape, and does the whole Force choke thing, which is way, way cooler than pointy boomerangs. On the other hand…

Batman is, well, Batman. He’s smart, he’s trained, he’s got all the gizmos. Not smart enough to design a battle suit like Iron Man, of course, but that’s because he’s also an aberrant, violent sociopath with a serious obsession. That aside, while not the strongest, toughest, or most skilled of his universe’s various unpowered badasses (Bane, Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva… each one of them has defeated Batman, but then again, they don’t have like 6 comics coming out every month so eventually the novelty wears off and Batman gets to win), the overall package of Bruce Wayne’s skill and resources is generally enough to win the day, or at least throw a smoke bomb at the day, kick it in the balls, and hide somewhere. Batman’s arsenal and strategy allow him to level the playing field, in a Deflate-gate kind of way.

The Fight:

While I admired SuperPower Beatdown’s efforts in making the confrontation interesting, it would be much less favorable for Batman in practice. Vader is a master of the Force, a Dark Jedi, a Sith Lord above all other Sith Lords, and it would be nigh-impossible for old Bats to get the drop on him. Vader was able to sense events happening light years away; he would catch on to a guy sneaking around, thinking specifically about targeting Vader, before Batman even zeroed in on his location. Most of Batman’s non-lethal arsenal would be of little use, and subterfuge is worthless when your opponent is essentially psychic and telekinetic. It would be little effort to immobilize Batman and Force choke him, not to mention that the Force allows the towering Vader to move faster than humanly possible, as well as predict the movements of an opponent. Darth Vader is a warlord, with decades of experience and countless ears on his necklace, who has slaughtered legions of Force users, the least of which would likely prove more than a match for Batman (even Dorsk 81). Excepting for some major coincidence and luck, Batman’s gonna be Dianoga chow in no time.

Character Assassination:

Now, here’s the oft-overlooked part: being more or less powerful is not at all equivalent to being a well-written, layered character with quality storytelling behind it. Batman and Darth Vader can both lay claim to that, especially if we ignore things like All-Star Batman and every movie past Empire Strikes Back. While Batman has undoubtedly proved his longevity, and acted as the template for most every ‘tortured hero’ in comics, Vader is just as iconic in the world of film. Perhaps we should just agree that both of these guys are pretty damn good, especially when handled by the right creative talent.

Brass Tacks:

In a fight, It’s Vader 99:1. The Force is strong with this one - and I'm no Star Wars fanboy (not this century, anyway).

In terms of being worth the paper/celluloid they’re printed on, I’ll give the slight edge to Batman, if only because the nature of comic books has allowed him to be featured in many, many great stories by many, many great writers and artists, whereas Vader appears in 2 good movies and one okay movie. If you’re looking for a unique Batman story without all the recent nonsense, I suggest Death Strikes at Midnight and Three, which is available in The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told (1^st volume) by late-Silver Age great Denny O’Neil, originally appearing in DC Special Series #15.

 

Stay tuned to the blog (or check the Twitter @TheFoilerHVX) for the next edition, where things get... fishy.

Remembering Rowdy Roddy Piper

The recent passing of professional wrestling star Rowdy Roddy Piper (no quotation marks; that's his name) came as a shock to the wrestling world. While many stars of his generation have well-documented health problems and nagging injuries, Piper was by all accounts in good shape, all things considered. Regardless of that, Rowdy Roddy Piper was a real virtuoso in the world of wrestling.

Piper's obvious skill is his mouth, but I don't want to undersell his in-ring ability. Admittedly, he wasn't rewriting the book on moves like Tiger Mask, but Piper was a 'classic'-style wrestler with a heel moveset and amazing psychology. Piper knew when to do everything, and why, and he was happy to take a beating as well as dish one out. While few of his matches would appear on an all-time list, his promos and feuds are among the best ever.

What I remember about Piper the most are moments. A few are in the ring, like his chain match with Greg Valentine that cost him  hearing in one ear, but most are of the yammering variety. One that really stands out from his pre-WWF days is an incident in the Portland/Vancouver territory done in 1980 for All-Star Wrestling (I think, anyway). Piper and Rick "Not 'The Model' Yet" Martel were feuding with the Sheepherders, a pair of brutal New Zealanders who WWF fans will remember as the comical Bushwhackers. Piper delivers a heated monologue, the takes a full, unopened bottle of beer and breaks it on his own forehead (this wasn't a gimmick bottle, either). Piper keeps on talking trash with blood pouring down his face, and what he said doesn't even matter. It was gold.

The man born Roderick Toombs in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, had more than his share of over-the-top moments as well. His visit to Bob Orton's doctor, and basically anything else he did on Tuesday Night Titans, still cracks me up. When Bad News Brown insisted on fighting a black opponent, Piper actually painted half of his body black, giving a crazy promo that started with him standing 90 degrees from the camera so as not to giveaway the paintjob right away... I've heard this called insensitive, but it was the kind of thing Piper could pull off. The visual is still worth it, even if the angle wasn't great. His Intercontinental Championship in 1992... the list goes on. Even in his recent appearances, he kept up with the younger stars on the mic, even while some other 'legends' of his time turned into Mike Adamle (too recent? how about Art Donovan or, if you're going for a more metaphorical reference, Ted Arcidi).

I won't get into Piper's success as the first pro wrestler to deliver a watchable movie performance in They Live, a movie that feels as relevant today as it did way back when. I will not go into Piper's Pit, or the many, many angles and classic moments that happened in those segments, because there are too many. But I'll list a few of the imitators, because I love doing that:

• The Barber Shop
• The Flower Shop
• Carlito's Cabana,
• The Highlight Reel
• The Peep Show (I love Christian)
• MizTV
• Cafe de Rene
• The Cutting Edge, with Not Matt Hardy's Friend Anymore
• The Snake Pit
• The VIP Lounge (MVP was great)
• A Flair for the Gold, with Ric Flair - this might predate Piper's Pit, but Lensman predates Superman, and nobody gives a fuck about Lensman. A Flair for the Gold was short-lived and not all that good, despite the ever-talented Ric.
• The Heartbreak  Hotel, with Shawn Michaels
• The Body Shop, with Jesse Ventura
• The Brother Love Show

There are more, but I honestly don't know if the Internet is just making up 'Mulligan's BBQ' and 'Funk's Grill'.

Anyway...

Rowdy Roddy Piper was a legend, one of the best heels and all-around entertainers in professional wrestling history, and a huge part of the WWF's boom period. Every true fan of the business will miss him, and even if you hate him you'll remember Roddy Piper.

Oh, and he boxed Mr. T at Wrestlemania.

1,326 Words Complaining About Batman

Hey, here’s a quick caveat: the very first comics I read were from The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told, followed quickly by TPBs of The Dark Knight Returns, Prey, various ‘of The Demon’ books, and Year One. This comes from a place of love. Ahahahaha!

Well…

Batman is the most poorly-realized supercharacter of the last 30 years. Overexposed is not descriptor enough.

Look, Batman can't punch Darkseid. Or Superman, or anybody like that. Even Spawn… it’s ludicrous, and I’m the last primeval agitator to defend freaking Spawn. ‘No powers’ does not trump ‘actual powers’. Can you defeat a back-alley rapist with a smoke bomb and a sucker punch? Sure, I guess. But a planet-ruling nigh-immortal alien warlord with an army made up of the entire population of Apokolips? Not so much. Just who or what is Batman, anyway? Is he a mysterious, fearsome urban legend spoken of with hushed whispers and darting eyes? Or an idiot in a fetish costume throwing proprietary boomerangs at plant monsters and 3-eyed aliens jerks with cranial fins? I doubt that Bob Kane and Bill Finger envisioned their creation palling around with Captain Atom and delivering terse one-liners to a room full of people who could shuffle him off this mortal coil with a wayward sneeze.

It doesn’t work both ways, even in the realm of comic book logic. Think about Wolverine – you can have him fight the Hulk because his bones don’t break and he heals and all that. Fine, ok. While a ‘street-level’ character at his core, Wolverine’s specific ruleset allows him to sort of ‘scale up’, since the skeleton, healing factor, and claws are all effective against more powerful threats, and even then it mostly plays out as him attacking and getting knocked away repeatedly while Cyclops inevitably saves the day. But even Logan doesn’t go toe-to-toe with Apocalypse. He and the Hulk fight. Once the death-rays and alien fleets come into play, well, that’s a job for Phoenix or the Fantastic Four or whomever. Have Gambit go up against a pissed-off Banner and all that’s left is half a deck of cards and a chunky puddle with a stupid accent (no insult to any real-world Creoles, but Gambit straight-up sucks). 

Imagine Gangbuster taking on Mordru, or Lock-Up trying to slug it out with Mongul, (Richard Dragon vs. the Anti-Monitor? I can keep going) and then explain how the guy who ritually refuses to use the technology at his disposal to arm himself suitably would stand a snowball’s chance in Hell of even surviving long enough to think about throwing jabs at a demigod. Forge once built a gun that had the express capability of killing the Hulk, but that doesn’t mean he can do it. Batman throws novelty shop spy gimmicks and swings on ropes. People lost their shit when Aquaman, one of the most powerful beings on the planet, 'merely' on the Wonder Woman level and godlike in his own element, stabbed Darkseid in the face with his trident (the Trident of Neptune, I might add). Yet where was the outcry when this obsessive sociopath (Batman, not Aquaman) put on some totally rad 90's gauntlets and attempted to bring fisticuffs to a guy who can match Superman on a good day? Batman is beyond effective against other humans (mostly), and shitty metahumans that have gimmicky abilities. Still, old Brucie has been bested by the likes of Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva, and that guy who led the Mutants gang in The Dark Knight Returns (the comic I blame for planting the seed of this moronic trend). Oh, and that Bane guy. So is he an accomplished hand-to-hand combatant with few peers and a bevy of tools at his disposal? Well, sure. Is he patient, skilled, and using advanced military-level tactics? Of course! But it avails him naught when you’re talking interplanetary monsters. Tony Stark might be a pussy in a business suit, but Iron Man is a regular guy with basically the same resources as Batman, and while he turned that into more than some kind of autistic Halloween, I still don’t see him beating Darkseid or Superman, or even putting up much of a fight.

The point is you can’t just throw an established character into any situation based on popularity and/or visibility with no regard for the myriad stories that have come before (I sound like such a dick, I know). The stories have to make sense inasmuch as following the basic rules/laws/characterizations they have established, or it's just a cheap pop, going for shock value and a comic panel that ends up in the forum signatures of people who write things like “not changing my sig until I get a stand-alone Ten-Eyed Man movie” or some such impotent crap. If you write a story where Batman gains Superman-level powers, fine. It’s been done, but it doesn’t’ stick because the primary value in that sort of story is giving a different take; this is what made so many of the Batman Elseworlds one-shots so much fun. But those renditions of the character are one-offs for a reason, and since we’re talking about regular-continuity (for all 3 months that continuity lasts in the DCU), let’s just tell a story where the characters act and perform in a way that doesn’t crap on the near-century of established canon (not that DC Comics has cared about canon since the first Crisis). Batman IS NOT Superman, or Thor, or Peter Cannon, or Doctor Bong. He’s Batman, just Batman, and that’s fine.

Batman needs to stop fighting oversized starfish in the middle of the day if he wants to keep up the 'urban legend' nonsense, and I think audiences today realize that petty criminals are not part of some secret society of ne’er-do-wells anyway. Maybe mugger-stalking Batman just doesn’t resonate anymore, in a world of modern fears and globalization? Is that why he's put into so many conflicts outside his purview?

If Batman breaks some purse-snatcher's leg, he doesn't get on his ham radio and alert every other petty crook when he gets released from the hospital, or put in a call to Killer Moth (there’s an underused character if there ever was one) from a payphone that costs a nickel. No, he uses a normal phone to call his lawyer and sue the city for allowing a vigilante to assault citizens without any kind of authority or justification. Batman is a nightmare for the legal system even in a city as corrupt as Gotham (which seems to have a police force of 6). The rich have beaten down the poor since time immemorial; Bruce Wayne (who studied law at Gotham University, according to my memories of various Silver Age flashbacks and The Untold Legend of The Batman) is apparently unaware that crime, especially nonviolent crimes and theft, is a last resort for people without resources or options in life. His billions could be better spent on educational programs or even funding the GCPD, but true to form Batman is selfish and narcissistic, more intent on satisfying his (unachievable) personal vendetta than making a lasting difference. ‘Superstitious and cowardly’ is a much more fitting descriptor for Batman himself, as the average criminal is more likely to be desperate and in need of social services than not.

So much of the character is couched in a pre-WWII sensibility about the nature of crime and socioeconomic relationships (I really didn’t think I was going to end up going this way when I started this) that these ideas are probably out of the realm of context for a mainstream superhero book. It’s funny, when I see Captain America get in Thanos’ face, I’m like ‘Cap, you selfless beacon of humanity, you better hope Adam Warlock shows... oh, there he is. Late to the party again, Adam. Now make with the anti-Thanosing, could ya?’, but when Batman is in the same position, I think ‘How is that grappling hook going to stall Imperiex, exactly?’

The Unloved: Episode I

The Unloved: Great Characters, Poor Reputations

Welcome, ahaha, to The Unloved, where I take a look at some less-popular characters from various fantasy worlds (primarily comics), and basically show you how wrong your peer-influenced organic brains can be. The inspiration for this recurring feature will be the star of the next installment, but a certain oft-maligned leader will be today's focus. Without further ado, let's take a gander at...

Scott Summers, a.k.a. Cyclops!

Yeah, Cyclops. Unlike your average team leader/field general types, Cyclops remains one of the X-Men's most maligned characters. While heroic characters like Leonardo, Captain America, and even Superman and Batman manage to avoid too much criticism for their roles on their respective teams, Cyclops never seemed to get a fair shake from fans, is reduced to a jerky caricature in the film universe, and is frequently mentioned as one of the book's least-likable regulars. He isn't Maggot (or that insufferable Cajun prick, Gambit), sure, but he's no Wolverine when it comes to sales numbers. But why?

One of the main reasons, and one that doesn't reflect well on the intelligence of the readers, is that Cyclops comes across as an authoritarian hardass. In particular, Scott has come into frequent conflict with hairy third-wheel Wolverine, the X-Men's most popular (and currently dead) character. Their personalities don't mesh well, with Wolverine putting on his usual 'gruff loner' front and coming and going as he pleases to pursue whatever personal agenda tickles his 6-issue-arc fancy at the time. Additionally, the two have come into conflict over their shared love interest, Jean Grey (she of the excellent code names), and readers have invariably taken Logan's (or James', or whatever) side on the issue.

But replace Wolverine in the love triangle (soundtrack by New Order) with just about anyone else (let's pick Angel, just for fun), and who do you side with? Cyclops and Jean were the item in X-Men, their love story spanning space, time, and even the afterlife (much credit to Chris Claremont, the architect behind the X-Men's enduring relevance and popularity, for making the romance angle something worth reading. Anybody who suffered through the never-ending Spidey/MJ and Supes/Lois tripe over the years knows how dull this could turn out). Wolverine essentially shows up and announces he's crazy about a woman he barely knows, then sets about trying to one-up her devoted boyfriend (and later husband) at every turn. Scott suffers through this with dignity, though certainly not in silence, and during the various times Jean decided to leave for Wolverine, he bore that burden as well as can be expected. When you really boil it down, Wolverine is the jerk here.

Not to forget my earlier point about Wolverine's waxing and waning loyalty to the team, that's a luxury Scott Summers has never had. Losing his mother at a young age, being estranged from his brother, and having a father who left him hanging to play pirate in space with a big alien named Ch'od, Scott has always had to carry the weight of responsibility while those around him, even Jean, continually let him down. For further evidence of his dedication and restraint, note that Cyke has generally ignored the fact that he could blast a certain Canadian pest into mush with the blink of an eye, yet he puts his personal happiness aside for the team, and the dream, almost every time. Has he had moments of weakness? Of course. But when the chips are down and mutantkind is in danger, you won't find Scott Summers dicking around in Madripoor or ruining his own continuity. You'll find him at the front lines, leading the way and putting himself in danger to protect others, even if he harbors serious dislike of those he protects.

I mentioned the dream, and X-Men fans know I'm referring to Xavier's dream of mutant and human integration and peace. Cyclops is the leader of Xavier's team. Now, think about that (if you can, ahaha) for a moment. Charles Xavier, the most powerful and practiced telepath on Earth-616, can access the minds and read the potential of quite literally every mutant on Earth. And yet, even with more powerful (or at least "cooler") candidates all over the world, Scott Summers was the man he chose to lead his team, to carry out the actions that would make the dream a reality, and to represent all the potential for good that mutantkind has to offer. Xavier chose this man to keep the dream going, to safeguard it and an entire race. One day Xavier will die, and he will die having anointed Cyclops the true savior of his kind. Would he have shown the same faith in Colossus? Gambit? Nightcrawler? No. Not even Jean, his protégé, was given that responsibility. Only a man like Scott Summers could handle it, and Xavier got to choose from a pool of every single living mutant.

So, the powers. In superhero comics, you have powers (or maybe a gimmick or gadget, but this is fucking X-Men we're talking about). While I personally, and rightly, believe that powers are secondary to characterization, they are worth mentioning. Cyclops... shoots beams out of his eyes. Due to an injury as a youth/mental block cased by self-doubt, Cyclops needs special lenses to contain his energy. In essence, that means Cyclops is constantly expending power... but he never seems to run out. In more recent years, Cyclops has demonstrated the ability to hold the optic blasts in, and uses his visor to make it easier to control the size and shape of the beam. So what happens if he takes it off? Well, if you're a 60ft Mark IX (or whatever) Sentinel... it reduces you to rubble in just under a second. It's rare that Cyclops ever uses his power to the fullest extent, but if necessary, the guy can level a mountain. "If looks could kill", indeed.

Due to his reliance on solar energy to power the beams, Cyclops has at various times been stuck underground or in other places for long enough that his 'battery' runs dry. While that would seem to make him useless, he is also a dangerous fighter on his own merits, able to take on multiple opponents hand-to-hand and come out on top. With a power set like his, there are many situations where it just isn't practical to unleash a death-beam (like on a spaceship, common enough for the X-Men) and he has to make do with just his physical abilities. Another recurring hindrance, more so in earlier years, is the loss of his visor or glasses. When you can't open your eyes without destroying everything around you, how do you fight? Well, if your name is Scott Summers, the answer is 'pretty damn well'.

Yes, Cyclops has martial arts training, because everybody has martial arts training. Unlike other guys who can back it up with fists when they run out of playing cards or whatever, Cyclops is able to fight blind and in complete darkness. There aren't a lot of guys who can do that; obviously Daredevil, but he has alternate sensory input. Stick, Daredevil's teacher, is a blind martial artist in the great tradition of blind martial artists. I would also put Iron Fist in this group, as the power of Shou-Lao the Undying and his unmatched training probably put him on par with Daredevil at blindfighting. Cyclops himself would rank just below these three, but he has zero special abilities or mystical Oriental tricks. He's just that tough, that skilled, and that dedicated. He knew what his greatest weaknesses were, and he compensates in a way that makes him even more dangerous.

Oh, and Cyclops is a superb field leader, much in the mold of Captain America. While he can't match Cap for on-the-fly strategy (can anyone? no.), he understands the strengths and weaknesses of his team and rarely enters a combat situation without the necessary intel to out a hurting on whoever or whatever the team faces. His generalship is known and respected in-universe.

Cyclops gets a bad rap for being cold and bitter, but he's endured much tragedy in his life. As referenced earlier, his family was either scattered or dead for much of his life, the love of his life spends quite a bit of time either dying, turning evil, or leaving him for an unreliable-if-endearing 'bad boy' that has been overexposed ad nauseum over the last 25 years.

A few highlights:

Master Mold: The most powerful (and largest) Sentinel ever created, Cyclops was forced to fight this mechanical monstrosity on his own, and he won. Strategically crippling the giant robot while scrambling for his life, Cyke led it into an oil field and blew the damn thing up. Again, this is a villain the whole X-team failed to contain to that point. But Cyclops, without teammates to protect, put himself in the line of fire and came out on top.

Apocalypse: The defining villain of the first X-Factor team, we now know that En Sabah Nur is effectively immortal and nearly unmatched in power. Apocalypse is a threat on a much larger scale than almost any X-villain outside of Magneto. But that didn't stop Mr. Summers from reducing him to scrap with one giant blast, letting his full power loose in an attempt to save the life of an infant son he would never truly be able to hold in his arms again. The boy survived in a fashion, becoming the time-hopping badass Cable, and yeah, Apocalypse came back a few dozen more times. But when that issue went to print, Apocalypse's ability to reform himself from virtually nothing wasn't part of his canon yet.

Like Most of the X-Men: Long story short, back in Chris Claremont's heyday the illusion-generating villain Mastermind convinced the X-Men that Cyclops was the returning Dark Phoenix, and he was forced to fight them. All of them. With broken ribs. The team at the time consisted of Storm, Colossus, Wolverine, Shadowcat (and Lockheed), and Nightcrawler. Suffice to say, it was no cakewalk. But Cyclops came out on top in the end. Just like he always does.

While Scott Summers draws breath (or is drawn doing so, at least), the dream will never die. At this point, it's no longer Xavier's dream. It's his.