Batfappitus Interruptus Volume 1

Welcome to the Glorious Nation of Hurtsville’s newest semi-feature:  Batfappitus Interruptus – where the foremost expert in all the realms on who Batman can and can't beat one-on-one (big reveal: it’s me) goes about 500-750 words into detail about whether and why, totally ignoring how popular said characters may or may not be. Then I maybe say something nice about Batman at the end, because so many Bat-fans take the idea that a mortal man can't single-handedly defeat a demigod as a personal insult. Like how nobody dresses up as the Penny Plunderer when they shoot people on a movie line. Remember this, sub-creatures: power levels don't make a character. I love Multiple Man, but that doesn't mean I legitimately believe that, adhering to the rules of the character and his universe, that he could beat The Hulk or Mister Fantastic. Use your organic brains!

Batman vs. Darth Vader

This idea was pretty heavily inspired by the excellent work done by the guys and gals over at SuperPower Beatdown, and credit to them for their great videos. More credit for correctly having Vader defeat Batman – no matter what the fanboys they polled had to say about it. This one isn’t even worth the debate, which is beyond enticing for me.

The Nitty Gritty:

In the Star Wars Original Trilogy Universe, Vader is the 2^nd-most powerful Force user at the outset, behind only Emperor Palpatine, and only his son has the potential to rival him. While the Emperor may be more powerful in the Force in a general sense, Darth Vader is the deadliest individual there is, and screw Boba Fett. He deflects blasters with half-assed gestures, has a neat cape, and does the whole Force choke thing, which is way, way cooler than pointy boomerangs. On the other hand…

Batman is, well, Batman. He’s smart, he’s trained, he’s got all the gizmos. Not smart enough to design a battle suit like Iron Man, of course, but that’s because he’s also an aberrant, violent sociopath with a serious obsession. That aside, while not the strongest, toughest, or most skilled of his universe’s various unpowered badasses (Bane, Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva… each one of them has defeated Batman, but then again, they don’t have like 6 comics coming out every month so eventually the novelty wears off and Batman gets to win), the overall package of Bruce Wayne’s skill and resources is generally enough to win the day, or at least throw a smoke bomb at the day, kick it in the balls, and hide somewhere. Batman’s arsenal and strategy allow him to level the playing field, in a Deflate-gate kind of way.

The Fight:

While I admired SuperPower Beatdown’s efforts in making the confrontation interesting, it would be much less favorable for Batman in practice. Vader is a master of the Force, a Dark Jedi, a Sith Lord above all other Sith Lords, and it would be nigh-impossible for old Bats to get the drop on him. Vader was able to sense events happening light years away; he would catch on to a guy sneaking around, thinking specifically about targeting Vader, before Batman even zeroed in on his location. Most of Batman’s non-lethal arsenal would be of little use, and subterfuge is worthless when your opponent is essentially psychic and telekinetic. It would be little effort to immobilize Batman and Force choke him, not to mention that the Force allows the towering Vader to move faster than humanly possible, as well as predict the movements of an opponent. Darth Vader is a warlord, with decades of experience and countless ears on his necklace, who has slaughtered legions of Force users, the least of which would likely prove more than a match for Batman (even Dorsk 81). Excepting for some major coincidence and luck, Batman’s gonna be Dianoga chow in no time.

Character Assassination:

Now, here’s the oft-overlooked part: being more or less powerful is not at all equivalent to being a well-written, layered character with quality storytelling behind it. Batman and Darth Vader can both lay claim to that, especially if we ignore things like All-Star Batman and every movie past Empire Strikes Back. While Batman has undoubtedly proved his longevity, and acted as the template for most every ‘tortured hero’ in comics, Vader is just as iconic in the world of film. Perhaps we should just agree that both of these guys are pretty damn good, especially when handled by the right creative talent.

Brass Tacks:

In a fight, It’s Vader 99:1. The Force is strong with this one - and I'm no Star Wars fanboy (not this century, anyway).

In terms of being worth the paper/celluloid they’re printed on, I’ll give the slight edge to Batman, if only because the nature of comic books has allowed him to be featured in many, many great stories by many, many great writers and artists, whereas Vader appears in 2 good movies and one okay movie. If you’re looking for a unique Batman story without all the recent nonsense, I suggest Death Strikes at Midnight and Three, which is available in The Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told (1^st volume) by late-Silver Age great Denny O’Neil, originally appearing in DC Special Series #15.

 

Stay tuned to the blog (or check the Twitter @TheFoilerHVX) for the next edition, where things get... fishy.